Im not sure what im going to say so i put the trigger icon just to be sure. i plan to keep this updated all week. its the first whole week at work again after the IP stay.

Today was hard. i went to sleep yesterday night wondering where i put something extermely important to me. it was not where i thought it was. so from my parents home i went at my flat before work and luckily after a few tries i found it. now i hope i'll never forget where i put it. i also was looking for my belt but only found it tonight. at least after days i was looking for it, i finally found it.

at work it was hard. i kept thinking about being IP, being at my parents, my sui plan, and S-day. i took a pill to relax and it worked a bit but what worked the most was a text from my T. i was going to text her in a little while anyway, but it helped. i kept going on with baby steps. mid morning break, lunch, fixing my printer, work again and middle afternoon break too and finally end of working day. after that, i went to get my meds but my pdoc didnt update it on the computer well enough so they wouldnt give me all the meds i needed. im going to call her tomorrow hoping i'll get the right meds on wed when i go there again. it so stressing having to go there every other day. because they dont trust me. and they do well, but its really stressing to go there after a whole day at work.

i keep feeling so torn, such a turmoil inside, agitated, my mind wont rest. i keep trying to keep going with baby steps. its hard, so hard.
bigger steps include T session on wed, pdoc's last session on fri, my friend's bday, closing the account at the postal office on july 6th and lastly the session with exT on July 11th. after that i'll either be free of attempting or wait until the end of the month to enjoy 2 weeks off from work.

after that i'll have nothing to look forward to. well, there would be a couple of things but if i keep counting them as important i'll never be free of doing it. and at the moment its all i want but i have to find the perfect S-day. i hope it will come soon. for now im just worried about being able to sleep tonight. i actually hate sleeping at my flat. i dont feel safe here. and i ate more than i should have… comfort eating i hate you! i hope tomorrow i'll be able to resist better.

i feel like crying now. i dont know how long i'll be able to keep going. no matter baby or bigger steps. i feel like im sinking. because i am Sinking! please, dont leave me alone. i know im so selfish and dont deserve anyone answering but i CANT answer to others threads. i swear i cant. i cant. im sorry. im sorry. please forgive me. i care about you all but i cant...