I spoke with my husband yesterday, prior to going to work. I told him that when he asks me how I am - I can only respond with "okay" or "fine" because I don't want to worry him. I told him that it takes everything that I have inside of me to make myself presentable - to show others that I am okay... Well, I'm not okay and I'm scared. My husband is so afraid that he is going to have to bury me someday soon and I try to reassure him that I will not do anything to harm myself! One of my boys is still a teenager and I can't see leaving him or the rest of the family at this stage. I'm 46 years old - I've made it this far, I sure as hell can continue to move forward.
I guess my concerns are:
1. I'm on meds and I'm in therapy... but... things don't seem to be getting any better.
2. I almost feel as if I have treatment resistant depression and I don't know where to turn.
3. My husband wants to commit me to inpatient care - because he just doesn't know what to do anymore. I flat out told him no and of course if it comes down to it - he is a Police Officer and he could very easily get me to the hospital (without my cooperation). If I go to the hospital - I want it to be my decision...
I'm going to call my Pdoc tomorrow to see if I can get in early and try to see what options I have. I'm so tired of trying different meds. I have even researched ECT but I don't think that really is an option. I'm a nurse and my job relies on my mind - my ability to remember, to process, to make quick decisions... At my job - it is like I am a different person - I have so much control over all the situations I am involved with, but after a day at work - I am physically & emotionally drained. I swear it takes all I have to make it through my 12 hours. I can take care of others so easily - but when it comes to taking care of myself - forget it...
Do I not matter? I don't know. I just don't know what to do - I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my sons - everything that there is - I want to stop missing everything... I just don't feel as if I have the strength to get there...
If you have any ideas, suggestions, thoughts... anything - I'really need some input...
Thanks to all, KS
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