I spiralled into a really bad place last night and talking to my friends about wanting to do more fun stuff ended up with me whining about how miserable I am seeing people on social media and my own friends having better lives than me. They suggested I delete social media and I got annoyed and made some sarcastic stupid comments about how that’ll solve everything, I’ll still be on my own and know everyone else isn’t, but at least I won’t be able to see it so that’ll sort me out!

My depression comes from a lot of places but loneliness is a huge part. My friends are all in relationships and have busier lives than me because of this. They have less time for me and I feel like it’s alwags me making the effort to organise things or suggest things and if I didn’t, I don’t think I’d ever see them for more than a coffee if that. Lack of connection makes my depression worse and at the moment it feels like nobody cares, and that I would not be missed. My friends don’t understand that what I need is connection, if I had that I wouldn’t be thinking everyone else is having a great time apart from me. I like time alone but I need a balance and time alone feels ok when it’s not the only option but when there isn’t even an option to spend time with others it sucks.

Now I’m embarrassed for lashing out at my friends. I’m embarrassed that they now see me as being so lame and such a loser that I can’t be happy for other people having a nice time. I can’t even bring myself to talk to them because they don’t really get mental illness having. Not been effected. I don’t know where to go from here because I can just see myself spiralling into isolation and pushing g the few really close friends who I do love, away.

I just wish I could be a little more of a priority for people. I wish I could be made to feel like people actually want to spend time with me.