One week ago today I got stopped by the motorcycle cop on my way home and received my very first speeding ticket. Fortunately I was able to contest my penalty with a defensive driving course; no biggie since it was only my first moving violation. All good now right?

Not necessarily. This was a “straw that broke the camels back” moment for me, as a result of numerous stressors and re-emerging triggers that have piled up over the past month. I love driving especially my car which is fun to drive, but I’m going through a moment where I’ve been anxious about getting behind the wheel to eliminate any risks inherent with driving as well as supposedly getting stopped by the cops again. I have not got behind the wheel since my ticket.

My homeboundness has allowed me to regroup, since driving around my current city has become increasingly daunting. Even though people consider me an above average driver, a couple of years of taxing life changes have taken a toll on my mental health, and I still drive safely from A to B, but I’m more likely to become annoyed with bad drivers (but never dangerously lashed out - not even close), and an overall more anxious while I’m driving. So at least this was a much needed wake up call. When I have days off or am under stress staying at home allows me to recharge. Yet these thoughts have extended to a fear of even going out of my own home for a couple of days. However this has improved with watching some movies and sharing a meal and drinks with a BFF from high school who came into town.

Now I may need to run to the grocery store to stock up, and then next weekend I’ll be seeing my grandmother for the big 88 and celebrate the 4th early with other family members. But at the moment I’m still a wreck mentally even though my condition has improved.

I need a shimmer of hope so I can conquer these irrational thoughts.