Oh, yes, me too.

I am the same. I have low feelings of self esteem going back to childhood and never feeling good enough for my distant but domineering father, then SA and other crap and soon your self esteem is pretty much in the gutter despite your accomplishments (graduated class valedictorian, graduated university summa cum laude in a tough major (microbiology) with all A's and only one B (Physics II was a killer!). Was first author on a decently cited review & article in a scientific journal. None of it helps.

And you are so right about the ED throwing the responsibility of your care onto another person, likely someone who loves you very much and doesn't deserve to be your caretaker because of your choices and actions. I'll never be 100% ED-free, the thoughts, they linger, and it's been 20 years with some blips along the way though never as bad as the initial hole I dug, so I'm lucky in that way. Pulled myself up again out of the one I had in 2018 because it really isn't the end of the world if 5 or 6 lb. more makes you look healthy, feel better, sleep better, think better even if it is with jumpy bipolar thinking. Though I struggle with the 5 or 6 lb. a lot, unfortunately even if I still am able to wear the same clothes. I need to do something therapeutic with my scale, like run over it a few times in my car or something, can't set it on fire; the HOA won't allow that, and my house doesn't have a fireplace. Maybe pound it with a hammer in the backyard.