The latest chapter in the ongoing saga with my former fiance and myself. I took myself off of the dating sites for almost 2 months in an effort to try and heal. During that time, him and I have had no real contact. He continues to "like" stuff I put FB, but there are no calls, texts etc and he is still on dating sites. He did have a birthday a couple of weeks ago, so I wrote him a letter just telling him some of his good traits and why I fell in love with him. It was basically my last ditch effort to see if we could revive things. I also sent him a Happy Birthday song by his favorite artist. I did get a return text on the song telling me how much he appreciated it and liked it, but no response about the letter. After about a week with no response to the letter, I decided to reactivate my profile as it was now almost 3 months since we broke up. During this whole time the boat trailer that I was storing at his place was still there. It has been way too wet to drive behind the barn to get it. Plus, I knew it wasn't in his way and he didn't really mind it being there. If he had really wanted it gone he would / could have sent me a text asking for it to be moved. (Meanwhile I am also still FB friends with several members of his family.) Anyway on this past Sunday, he actually called me about the boat trailer. I apologized and explained why I hadn't gotten it earlier and he said he understood and that I was right, it had been way to wet to retrieve it. He was calling to tell me that he could now pull it out and leave it on the driveway at his place so that I could get it easier whenever it was convenient. I thanked him and apologized again (with my heart breaking bc I knew this was pretty much the last thing to be cleaned up between us. I do still have some of his belongings at my house, but nothing expensive or that he can't do without. The same with things of mine at his house.) He then asked about my grandkids and family and just chatted for a few minutes. He then brought up the letter I had written as well as the Happy Birthday song. He told me how much he appreciated them and how very much he liked the letter and how much it meant to him, he had not been responded to the letter because he didn't know what to say. He then asked me if I had been to my lake house recently, and I responded that I was there at the moment, just for a few hours to take my mom on a boat ride, but the battery was dead so we couldn't go and would probably just head home. (The lake house is about 45 minutes from his house and where I would ultimately store the boat trailer.) He then said that he wasn't really busy, and was only planning to mow along his road sometime during the day. He said that if I wanted to stick around he would be willing to bring the trailer to the lake house. I told him I appreciated the offer but that it was too much to ask, besides it did not even have a valid license plate and he knew it. (This was why he didn't want to be the one moving it earlier and had even cautioned me on moving it. He didn't want to risk being ticketed). Again, he reiterated that he wasn't doing anything (even though he normally goes skating on Sunday afternoons at that time) and didn't mind bringing it over, if I wanted to wait for about an hour. (The driveway at the lake house has room for 8-10 cars, so he could have easily just left it, even if I wasn't there. I also have a tow hitch on my car and can tow the trailer myself. )I told him that I could wait, all the while my heart is literally breaking thinking it is the very last time I will ever see him.

After he got to the house, he could have just left the trailer on the driveway, but instead asked where I eventually wanted it. I told him eventually I wanted to take to it the back of the property but since he would have to drive across the back yard (about 200 ft) and I wasn't sure if the ground was too wet for that he could just leave it on the drive and I would move it to the final place at a later time. He checked the ground, thought it was solid enough and said he would back it up to where I wanted it. In the meantime I have a tetherball ball pole right in the middle of where he needed to drive. He asked me to help him move it, and takes the heaviest hardest part for himself. All I had to do was guide the pole while he moved a tire filled with concrete that was supporting the pole (he was being a major gentlemen and treating me exactly the way he had when we were together). After he backed the trailer about 200' and jiggled it into position, again he would not let help with anything other than guiding him as he was backing up. Once he disconnected the trailer, he looked at the position and said he thought he could move it even closer to where I ultimately wanted it (a move of about 12") but he would need to manually move it around (it is a double trailer to haul 2 jetskis at one time so bigger and heavier than most). Again, he pretty much declined my offer of help and did the heavy lifting and moving himself. Once that was in place and we were walking back to his truck, my neighbor (who was out in her yard) came over to chat for a few minutes. Rather than him just saying goodbye he stopped to also chat for a minute.
Once we were done with the chatting, and were walking back to his truck, I asked if we could talk. He said yes, but that he also had my other stuff in his truck and would put it in my car first. (That made me scared and very sad.) Once that was done he asked if we wanted to go in the house to talk, rather than just on the driveway. I agreed, but that my drink and phone were still on the boat, where I had been sitting prior to his arrival, so I had to go get it first. As we got to the boat, I mentioned that we could sit there rather than go inside if he wanted. Since the weather was so nice and the boat is comfortable we sat there instead across from each other. I then asked him about the letter I sent him, what he thought of it. He said how much he appreciated it, liked it, and how much it meant to him and that he had re-read it about 5-6 times so far.

The letter was basically about 15 things or traits that he had, that made me fall in love with him and examples of things that he/we had done that corresponded to each example. For instance, we prayed together before each meal and attended church regularly together. This is something that I have always done, but in my experience praying before meals is not the norm, especially in public. This was a matter of practice for him. I I thanked him for supporting, participating and encourageing my faith, that, that one trait was what I had been praying for in a future husband. There were about 14 other examples in the letter, it was all about him. The last item in the letter said that from my experience most marriage counselors will recommend, and have told me that trying to fix a broken or damaged relationship is better and easier than trying to find, start and have a new one. If he ever got to the point where he wanted to consider that option that I hoped he would give me a call and that I still loved him.

We discussed calmly and intimately what each other thought the issues were and really listened to each others opinions or beliefs. During the conversation there were a few tears but more laughs or smiles, all the time we were mainly looking at each other and in each others eyes. We agreed we both hated dating and the whole online dating thing, and he was even thinking of just giving it up (but he is still on). One of his biggest fears or complaints was that he was a country boy and I was a city girl and he honestly did not think I would be happy in the country, that I would grow to resent him. He again told me that his ex-wife had hated his farm and land from the minute she first stepped foot on it and he heard about it constantly for the next 34 years. He did not want a repeat. I told him (as I also had pointed out was a positive thing in the letter) that I liked the farm, but yes I wanted to make changes to his house so that they fit my/our personal taste and style. (When we first started talking about getting married, we discussed various ideas and changes we could make to the house that we both liked and he was just as excited, even telling my sister about them. When he broke things off and brought up the house, I couldn't even change a roll of toilet paper without him taking it personally as an insult against him. As we were talking on the boat, he again brought up the ideas and changes we had talked about and was once again excited about them, admitting to me again that his house is in desperate need of a woman's touch. I told him what my "dreams" had been on making things work out, how I had figured out ways to solve some of the logistical problems we had and what we would need to do to adjust our lives for each other. We talked about how much we both loved each other's families. I admitted I had made some mistakes during our time together and deeply regretted them, but that I was not 100% to blame for our problems. He agreed with that, saying that he knows that when I annoyed or did something that really bothered him it was his responsibility to have said something, but he didn't. He told me that he was hurting every bit as much as me, that he still cared about me, that the night I left his place hysterical and would not return or answer his calls or texts how worried he had been, that he did not sleep at all that night worrying about me. (He had talked to my sister and she told him she would get in touch with me and see how I was.) We talked about alot of things, with him finally saying this was the talk we should have had 1-2 years ago, and he mainly blamed himself that we hadn't. He'd been at the lake house for about 2 hours and still wanted to get home to get his stuff done so I urged him to go, saying that I would rather he stay but knew his important the other stuff was too. He ended it with saying that between the letter and our talk that he had alot of things to re-think about and get his head around. As we stood up I leaned into him and grinned and told him to hurry up with the thinking so that we could get things back on track. He kind of laughed nervously at that. As he stepped off the boat I had my hands full so asked if he could help me step down. Rather than take what was in my hands so that I could hold on to the rails, he turned around and put out his arms so that he could lift me down. Once I was on the ground, he apologized for laughing, saying that it was a nervous habit. I told him I knew that, that it didn't bother me (never had). As we walked to his truck, I told him that I still had his stuff at my house but would get it to him. He just said OK (previously he had told me not to worry about it...a sweatshirt, a couple of ball hats and undershorts-not a lot or of great value). As we got to his truck and I stepped back so that he could get in, he turned and asked if he could hug me. I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and he held me. When he began to release me, I tightened my hold and said I wasn't done yet, so he held me again. Once we were done I told him how lonely it was staying home every night and maybe we could do something sometime for company. He told me he is also home alone all the time except when he is skating or practicing hockey. As he drove away, I yelled that I still liked his "car", and he yelled back "it's a truck". This had been a private joke between the two of us for a long time.

It has now been a couple of days and I have not communicated with him or heard from him. I am leaving him alone so that he can think and process stuff, but wonder if that is a mistake. One of his complaints is that I don't like his house and we spent most of our time at my house. I don't know if I should pack up his stuff and take it out to him at his house, or wait to see if he contacts me. I would like to think that all of the stuff he did with the trailer, treating me like a lady and being the gentleman, talking probably the most seriously or intimately that we ever had, wanting a hug, and then holding me more and participating in our private "joke" is more of a positive, and that just maybe we have a chance of reuniting rather than him just being kind. If I place myself in his shoes, I don't think I would have voluntarily put myself in the position of spending about 4 hours with a person I no longer cared for, especially if he was worried I would beg him to reconsider our breakup or become hysterical like I did last time. In fact I know I wouldn't bc a friend (to me, but on his side he is in love with me, and now trying to rekindle our relationship knowing about my ex- fiance) needed some outpatient surgery and asked if I could take him to the hospital and stay with him for at least the whole day or longer. I told him I could take him to the hospital, and when he was ready to leave the hospital I could pick him up and take him home, but that I could not take the whole day off work-that we were too busy! I knew he had a son who lived close by and could meet his dad's needs if necessary.

Am I being an idiot to get my hopes up again? In the meantime I am continuing to date as the opportunity arises, but really don't want to hurt anyone if there is a good chance we can reconcile. Any thoughts?