Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyZee
Thanks in advance for reading. I'm 45 years old, been married for 20 years, and have known most of my life that I'm gay, I just don't live like I am. It has been an awful secret to keep. I have been in therapy for a few years, and I've not been able to tell my therapist this. I don't know why. Judgement? Humiliation? Fear? I don't know. My therapist is also a woman, but I just can't seem to tell someone, anyone who knows me. But I know therapy will not be helpful for me if I can't tell the therapist everything. I've been living a lie all of my life, and am not happy. I had hoped, one day, to feel comfortable in talking about this in therapy, but I just can't admit it. I know it is the one thing that holds me back. I've never acted on my feelings. My husband and I just exist. We have two nearly grown sons. Sometimes I think if I can find a therapist who is a lesbian and quite open about it in her practice, it might be easier to divulge my secret. I'm getting nowhere by sitting on it. I have lived my life the way society, and my family, expect me to, but I know it's not who I am. I would love some input on this. I don't know what would make me feel safe to share this with my therapist. I just know I've never been able to tell her. As I type this, I keep thinking to look behind me to make sure no one's there, reading this. That's how closeted I am.
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Oh SandyZee how I feel your pain right now. I had relationships with women a couple of times when I was in my 20's then when my family found out, zipped that up real quick so as not to be disowned, and eventually married a man, my husband of 22 years. We have an almost-21 year old son who moved out on his own this past December.
Early on in therapy (year one) I was finally able to admit out loud to being bisexual to my therapist. It was so hard to say to her!! But she took it really well and was extremely supportive. My h knew before we got married that I had been with women but he thought it was over. I acted like it was over, wanted it to be over. Fast-forward to now, going on 8 years into therapy, and I'm now seeing that I am much closer to the lesbian end of the sexuality continuum. I even came out as such to my husband a few months ago. He said that he wants me to be happy and that if i'm not we should split up while he has enough years left to find someone else. I couldn't do it. I still can't do it. I can't break his heart, I still love him and can't break my own heart, and I definitely don't want to go back to feeling like i'm going to be ostracized by my family again. It is SO hard and I am here if you ever want to private message me.
I really really hope you can talk to your therapist about this. It has been helpful to me over the years talking with mine about it, sometimes I get a little mad at her for encouraging me a little bit too much I feel to leave my marriage, she doesn't understand, because I don't know how to help her understand, how complicated this is. She's never left a marriage for this reason. It's so very complicated and if you want -I'm sending safe hugs and please know you are not alone going through this.
Oh and I almost forgot I am going to be 57 next week.