I had to see t3 again for something I wont share publicly. I really was struggling to make eye contact with him and normally that's not a problem. I was even talking so quietly that he asked me to repeat myself a few times. This was the worst amount of shame I ever felt over something... and normally talking to men is easy for me, about anything but the idea that everyone was gonna judge me was taking over my mind. Anyway... he called me out on it... in a nice way but eventually he got me to look at him again... and then went out of character and was a bit jokey with me, normally he is serious as hell and I love it... but this was obviously to help relax me. I just got a bit nervous because this is my biggest trigger in "feeling close" to someone, the humor. If he does it again, I will have to call him out on it.

Sadly I STILL can't see him regularly because insurance is not sorted but he has finally agreed to give me a better rate out of pocket. I hate to admit this but a huge part of me really wanted to hug him today. I never would, dangerous path to go down, I know that... but it was the first time I really desired that since T. Hopefully it was just a fluke for today, I will run screaming before I'd ever allow myself to feel close to another T.

I might see him again this week if I can, I am still struggling with my big issue. He wants me to start challenging my anxious thoughts and not letting them win. Sounds easier said than done but I'll see.