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Originally Posted by FearLess47
Hi PC friends,
I'm trying to comprehend some pretty big topics. I understand that there is a continuum for dissociative disorders and that each of us has a uniquely developed "system." I also understand that I am not going to be able to "figure it all out" overnight...but I think some part of me is soothed by defining terms, so I can be more in the know about what can feel like a giant topic.
What is co-consciousness? Is it possible to have an awareness of some parts but not others?
Is there a difference in the term "parts" or "alters?" Everyone has parts. So at what point does it cross over into alters? What is the difference between feeling "fragmented" or having alters?
Amnesia. So I don't remember a giant chunk of my childhood. And over the years, I have "lost time" and gone into trance/zoning out/dissociation. But I have not had the "suddenly I was in San Francisco" thing or completely not knowing what year it is. I would say it's more like, I know that I graduated from here, and that I did this or that, but I don't associate that as me. Like I did some videos and I almost can't bear to look at them, because it feels like I am watching someone else. I know it is me. But I can't connect with the experience of being in the videos.
I very often have that horrible experience of not knowing how to do something, like understand numbers or balance my checkbook, where I have known how to do that in the past. Or like drawings I have done that I can not actually do other times.
Internal dialogue vs "hearing voices." Not recognizing myself in the mirror, but knowing it is "me." Or seeing a "me" in the mirror that I feel like I haven't seen for a while.
I scored very high on the DES and MID assessments. Yet, I feel this crazy sense of denial. Like "that's not me" but it is.
Did you tell your significant other or family about DID? And are there "degrees" of DID?
If you are willing to share any of your experiences while you were first in the discovery process of your own DID, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have this giant tremendous task in front of me...at times it makes perfect sense. At times I am in complete denial and think I am making things up in my mind. And at times I want or need to know more...so that I can almost stop obsessing about "knowing more."
Hope this made a drop of sense...and again, I know all of our experiences are different. I feel so alone. (And yet not, ha ha.)
Ugh.
FearLess47 |
Hi! Here's my experiences, I really hope they help!
Co- Consciousness:
For me I'm often in co-consciousness. To me it means when I might feel like I'm on auto pilot, I'll speak, do everything seemingly as normal but it's kind of like someone else is controlling it, not me. Someone familiar, and almost me, but I'm shoved a little further back from the front, and it's harder for me to keep a train of thought, essentially like I'm 'dulled' I think it's when you're still present, and when you're aware of what a part or an alter is doing, to some extent even also in control. Piloting the ship together.
Parts VS alters:
I think parts and alters are terms that lots of people use differently. I know I refer to them as 'parts' because I have DDNOS. It's kind of like my parts are me from various points in time, and with various changes in outlook/behavior. Still very much me, not separated enough for me to consider them alters. (I really hope that makes sense
)
Amnesia:
I'm exactly the same! A large chunk of my childhood is just gone
but a lot of my memories feel like a movie I watched, not like something that happened to me. The 'I know it's me but I somehow can't connect this to me' is a good way to put it!
Not knowing how to do stuff:
I can understand that- sometimes things that should make sense just don't, and sometimes things I feel like I shouldn't be able to do all that well I can do better than I expected.
Internal dialogue VS hearing voices: That's something that's puzzled me for the last couple of years. If I'm particularly excited or distressed I'll sometimes whisper things to myself that I didn't intend to, and if I'm in a trauma state and half asleep I'll sometimes hear voices outside of my parts, which are just vivid, awful memories, but day to day it really just feels like a big, uncontrollable internal dialogue, it's really confusing.
Telling people:
I told my partner, but I can understand why some people might keep it to themselves while they're figuring things out.
First processes:
Like so many people I had all the standard symptoms growing up and thought they were normal, I didn't really find out what was happening until I got physically sick for no physical reason. Turned out they were dissociation episodes. Honestly going through the 'figuring it all out' stage the hardest thing to really move through was knowing that I'd been so hurt my personality had to shatter to protect me. That was definitely the hardest emotional aspect. Also, I too like to have the defined terms down, to really solidify things in my brain, but sometimes that can get way too much all at once
Needing to take it one day at a time is super frustrating, but I found it was quite a long process to get to a place where I felt even slightly settled in what things meant and what exactly is going on. Still not entirely there yet!
I hope this helped a bit. I'm sorry for the massive post!
