Golden_eve... I am in a pretty similar situation

My wife has told me she is no longer in love with me and in love with our co-worker. She said she has not been in love with me for years and probably felt that way before we got married 3 years ago! (Because we're in a same sex relationship we have been together for 13 years). After the affair with our co-worker she wanted to try and work things out, and like an idiot I agreed. Extremely long story short, she put him first every single time. We agreed that she would only talk to him at work and that was it. Well over the wkend I found out her phone had a new password and that she had turned off all notification because "she was checking her phone compulsively and wanted to stop" (since our fight and breakup they are back on and I despise even hearing her phone chime). When I tried to log into the phone site the password was changed and when I found the password she had changed the setting for it to ask security questions regardless of whether you had used that computer or not before. I finally told her I was going to go down there and have them reset everything or she was going to give me the answers. She opened it on her computer and hovered the whole time trying to get me to tell her why I was was looking and if there was something she could pull up since she knows the site better than I did. Again, long story short, I noticed she has been texting him EVERYDAY since she promised me she wouldn't.

Needless to say, I broke it off.

I've got sooo much anger and I dunno if I'm more angry at her or at me I hate myself for believing her. I hate myself for taking her back. I hate myself for giving her soooo much of my life and me. I hate myself for believing everything she has every told me. I hate myself for opening up and letting her get close enough to hurt me. I hate that I let her hurt me over and over. I basically just hate myself. And I just hate her.

She wants to try to fix it and I would have given the moon and the stars to fix it before this. Now, I don't trust her and I dunno if I don't want to fix it. When I wanted to fix it she didn't give a ****. She was too busy with our co-worker to give a rats *** about me or our relationship.

I am sooooo filled with hate at the moment I don't know how to move on. I don't know the first thing to do. I don't know if I even want to let go of the hate. I just... don't know

So, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I too wish I knew how to forgive. If you need to talk, please feel free to private message me. Big hugs and best wishes to you