Thank you everyone for joining in and sharing!

Today was really hard, more than the previous days. i feel like my brain is bleeding and im only putting a few band aids on it (through pills and alcohol) but they solve nothing. they just make the day a bit more bearable.

as i said yesterday, i kept the schedule i had fixed: went to work and then got other meds from my GP, thank god i have that option! i immediately took 2 of them and i started feeling better. i deserved them! my T said those pills reach the same receptors of alcohol, and in fact i was feeling a bit drunk, but in such a positive way! she also commented on my losing weight and im happy she seems concerned. im not really ana, but i surely have an ED.

then session with T: i summed up what has happened since i got out of the IP: afraid of leaving but doing it to fix my last will box, and using the meeting with P to show i have something to look forward to and im not as desperate as i seemed.

talked a bit about jealousy with my brother (mom always tells me to text him if he's having a hard time but apparently she doesnt do the same with him when I am having a hard time). my brother came to visit me 5 mins and i appreciated it because i started from him but im a bit upset my mom has double standards.

then we did talk about the meeting with P (how i used it to get out of IP) and she seemed to feel positive about it while at the moment i feel almost indifferent. i wont be the one to suggest another meeting. if it comes from him thats ok, but im tired of always having to do the first move.

and i hate that it has been another person to give me the strength to get out of there (IP). i should have done it for me but i did it for a little bit of hope that someone else gave me. i then was even afraid i was doing the push/pull with him and self sabotage the meeting but as i already posted before, the meeting itself went well. its just that it stays there and there havent been any words suggesting to repeat the lunch or hanging on another day outside of the working place. i dont think i care that much anyway.

then we talked about pdoc leaving. and i told her how i was going to go at the appt on friday and i wouldnt have found her in spite of having fixed an appt.

i also told T how my friend got a new job and now our fridays routine is broken. im afraid of losing this friendship. i dont want to lose her. i hope we'll find a way to keep seeing each other. maybe on another night.

and i told her how going back to work is harder than i thought. she seems to think i would have been better staying IP a little longer. a part of me agrees.

after the session i went get the plant for pdoc and get my meds. i asked them to give me them for 1 more day and they refused. but at least the phone call i made yesterday to my pdoc served the purpose. now i dont know what will happen. i hope i'll find out tomorrow. but it could also be they forget of me and at that point i could even stop going there. im tired of that place and of changing pdoc and not trusting anyone because its a public service and they couldnt care less.

then i went home, took a shower, had dinner and watched my tv series. stayed a bit with cats and mom and then went to sleep. im so much more relaxed at my parents and im not sure why…

tomorrow will be another heavy day with the last session with pdoc. emotionally i mean… i only need to hold on and do my best. it will be hard but it must be done. hoping tomorrow wont be a disaster as today felt like.