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Originally Posted by Ladylullaby
Thank you for that Open Eyes. I want to keep my eyes shut! I am having a very difficult time dealing with the trauma. I looked into DBT at the request of my therapist. As it turns out it isn't covered under my insurance. I go to therapy twice a week. I have been going for over a year now. I still cant verbally speak about the abuse, I have to write it down. She reads my letters and responds accordingly. I have even started to read them to her if it isn't of a sexual nature. I am too embarrassed. Yes you would be correct, shame and self blaming are an innate thing for me after having spent all these years not addressing the trauma. I am 52. I think its too late. I actually find comfort in it. I know it sounds wrong, but its been this way for a long long time. I will never have a partner and I don't care. So what does it matter? I have a dog. I play my piano and I do what I have to do to wake up another day. But don't think for 1 minute I look forward to that morning where I don't wake up. I do.
As far as self blaming? I resent that term! My therapist constantly tells me, "it is NOT your fault". It may not be my fault but it sure feels like it. DYFS didn't do anything to my uncle. They didn't even tell my aunt because they were afraid she would have a heart attack. Can you imagine my emotions? My father yelled at me because my uncle let him use his garage to fix his boat, Once again I imagine how I felt at that very moment. Rage!!!!!!!!! But little did my father know that my uncle used that garage for touching me in ways I don't care to mention! Dear old Dad doesn't have a warm spot in my heart. My Mother died along time ago and she wasn't a good Mother either. Yes I did suffer from neglect from her, that's probably why she's dead! she was an awful Mother, I don't even know why I am here truth be told. I don't think I have the strength to see this through. I just don't think I can do it. I will keep going to therapy. I don't know if its enough.
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I am sorry you are struggling with all of this and have these feelings about things, especially having no desire to talk about the trauma in your past. I just want to say that in my effort to provide that link to you, it doesn't mean I am diagnosing you or even making an effort to say that anyone who diagnosed you that is a professional was wrong. Instead I think the information provided in the link talks about how that CAN happen and I even do know this because I myself was misdiagnosed until I did see a professional that corrected that for me and explained to me how that does happen and why.
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I don't even know why I am here truth be told. I don't think I have the strength to see this through. I just don't think I can do it. I will keep going to therapy. I don't know if its enough.
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This is actually a very common complaint that someone struggling with ptsd talks about feeling. I know that I can say I have also felt like this myself. I had expressed this with a "trauma therapist" and the reaction I get is how this is what most if not all of his ptsd patients say to him. The therapist I am seeing now only works with trauma patients, it's all he has been doing for the last 15 years and he has come across patients that during his practice that have personality disorders and has explained the difference.
The reason I provided this link is because it does a very good job at covering the symptoms and the difference between phobia and hyper vigilance as well.
The therapy I am having now has been explained to me where the trauma's I have experienced myself never got processed. My therapist has explained to me what has been learned from the effort to study the brain and where trauma memories are stored that when a person is called to remember a trauma they have pinpointed the area of the brain that is most active and have done this therapy and been able to see a reduction of activity in that part of the brain once the Accelerated Resolution Therapy has been provided.
All I do is share what I have learned myself. If you feel DBT is not helping you then you may find the Accelerated Resolution Therapy helpful. The therapist I am seeing now has told me that he has tried several therapies and has found this therapy to be the most helpful and I was actually referred to him by another trauma therapist that had no room for any new patients and she did say that this therapist is well known in the field and is highly respected. It may be helpful for you to look up this therapy and see if there is someone near you that does it so you can try it for yourself.
Different members have their different opinons and share what has helped them. No one here is a professional or can diagnose you. However, that being said, I have learned that someone can be misdiagnosed so it's always best to get more than one opinion. The first time I even saw the label Borderline Personality Disorder was in this forum and had interacted with someone that had this challenge. I asked the therapist I was seeing at the time that explained it to me. It was never anything I had been labelled myself with but I did notice it discussed in the link I found. I wanted to know about it because the individual I met seemed very nice and I just wanted to learn about it so I could respect that challenge and understand it better when I came across it on this site.