I am sorry to hear that you feel so overwhelmed and have thoughts about death. Most of us have been there. If you will write here you are among people who understand.

Here is a link if you feel suicidal:
Suicide: Read This First

You are where you are. If the only thing you can do is to walk 8 steps on the floor, set your goal for 9 steps tomorrow. Use babysteps, babysteps and more babysteps ...

What I am saying is that if it can help you to put forward a tiny little goal and try to work for it, nobody here will laugh of you. Instead we will clap hands for every little step you are able to do and we are here when you backslide as well.

Do you have a therapist? Have you tried medication?

Hope to see you here with your babystep-goals, one at the time. Remember we have all been there. That means that you can catch up on us one day. If it was possible for us, so it can be for you. Nobody promised us a quick relief and nobody will do that for you either. The only thing you need to know is that one foot in front of the other slowly, slowly take you into a life that you will probably like.

Warm wishes!