I don't want you to begin to feel uncomfortable in your own thread and begin self blaming either. I think it's important to explore why you have a need to protect him though. If you focus so much on his "fun loving side" you are failing to recognize the bigger picture and in all honesty this is often something someone does when they don't quite know how to allow themselves to see the bigger picture. Also, you could be dealing with an individual that is a binge alcoholic too and he has you living around HIS cycles and is willing to appologize and promise he will never do this again. Then you have that honeymoon period where he behaves until you end up dealing with another one of HIS episodes. What is concerning with this is how he did hit you and he did threaten to kill you. He has already proven he can act on his threats with you, that's bad for you and it doesn't matter what you did, there is simply no excuse for his getting not only verbally abusive with you but physically abusive as well. And these kind of abusers tend to profusely apologize and promise they will never do it again.

Your wanting the romance, love and times you had so much fun with him is not enough when it comes to his tendency to blow up at you this way.

It sounds like this is what you are doing "unknowingly" and other posters are genuinely concerned for you because some of them hung on with a hope and finally realized they had to walk away.
What is Trauma Bonding?