Today’s session was revealing. R came in, sat down, and asked how I am doing.

‘At an estimate, I’m 50% overwhelmed, and 50% ready for a fight. I don’t want to sit here and talk about work…’

‘OK’

‘…but I received an email from my boss on Tuesday asking whether I was available for a phone check in on Thursday.’

R asked me to clarify, and I explained that my boss just wanted to check in with me. ‘I recognise that retrospectively, but I spent two days worrying about it, almost catastrophising. It’s as though I am wired to think “This is too good, it has to end soon.”’

I explained that I hadn’t heard from my boss to schedule the call, but heard from her that morning to set up for the afternoon.

‘Meanwhile, I received a message from a friend. “Feeling ****, help please.”’

‘What I hear in both situations isn’t catastrophising but anxiety, almost. “What are they going to need from me, and am I going to be able to cope with it?”’

‘I had to step away from my phone for a bit, and came back to Mum on the phone to my friend. I had missed two messages explaining a complex interpersonal situation. My friend was crying on the phone so I could not understand what was going on.’

R asked how I felt in that situation, I replied that I felt frustrated because she told me a lot of information, and then said ‘By the way, how are you?’

R asked how I had answered and I replied that I’d said I was fine. She reminded me that most people would probably do the same. I continued to tell her about the food festival at the weekend, and my first experience of Thai food.

‘I love Thai food.’

‘I’m used to Indian. I went to a Thai cookery demo, and they made fish soup.’

R made a face. ‘I didn’t like it and had to deal with the taste for the rest of the day.’

‘One of those things that repeats on you?’

‘Yes, I had to wash my teeth, the phrase is ‘brush your teeth’, three times that day. Anyway, I am getting away from the point. We headed towards the area where there was live music, and I felt like I knew the song. ‘Stand By Me’ was just coming to an end. We got into the room, and it was just starting.’

‘Oh.’ R asked what the sensation was like for me.

‘I was trying to suppress what I was feeling. The cognitive realisation came first and then it was physical pain.’

I explained that we had left, and I was in the car trying to do some “It’s Sunday 23rd of June 2019” level grounding.’

‘So, you found a way to ground yourself in the present moment, however successful that was.’

‘Would you mind moving?’

‘Of course. I’ll just grab a cushion.’

‘It was a moment in time,’ I said as I held her hands and tried to allow myself the sensation of being held. ‘I was not expecting it to linger like fish soup.’

‘Good analogy.’

‘I am doing the best I can, and sometimes that looks like I am not taking care of myself.’

‘In what way? With regard to physical presentation?’

‘An argument over dental hygiene was the catalyst for a much bigger release.’

I explained how the discussion had started and that I had eventually found myself crying.

‘Did you have a good cry?’

‘I let it run for as long as I was comfortable with.’

‘That’s new. And how did you feel afterwards?’

‘It never feels finished.’

R explained that she has a sense of me learning to feel my emotions.

‘It’s important to me that how I feel isn’t expressed.’

‘There’s a statement.’

‘It’s important to me that how I feel is not expressed through arguments with those closest to me.’ I continued ‘Being along in that space is scary…’

‘Mmm…’

‘Being witnessed in that space is worse. Nobody should have to see me at my lowest point.’

‘Nobody should have to? I don’t ask this question often, but I’m asking it now. Why?’

‘I can’t deal with all of this. You shouldn’t have to contain it.’

R explained that she feels as though I am just learning to experience my emotions, and ‘Whenever anybody says “should”, that is someone else talking.’

There is a lot in this huge box I’m dealing with. ‘It’s over here right now, but maybe we should change that.’ She gestured towards me.

‘Trauma is grief with steel toe-cap boots on. If someone steps on your foot in steel toe-cap boots accidentally, it really hurts. If they do it on purpose it hurts more. I do not want to step on your toes.’

R explained that she is here for me in a role. We talked about last November again and my belief that it shouldn’t have happened.

‘Even in the midst of the horror show, there was never any space for my feelings.’

‘And yet the feelings kept piling up.’

We talked more about the bathroom scene as a focus, and agreed that we will go there next session.

‘I trust you to contain it. I am not sure whether I trust myself to go there.’

‘I can see that it causes you fear.’

We had a chat about how conversations like that one towards the end of the session have become R’s way of knowing where I want to go next.

She said she can see how ‘excruciating’ it is for me to ask for what I need. Whilst I was talking about the song, I could not look at her. The barriers are up. I want to bring them down.