Scarlet, I'm sure you are doing very well and have come a long way. But the reactivity, as you put it, seems to be very distressing. I can recall several times when something has happened and you have posted that you were feeling suicidal. C is like that. Sometimes something happens, and I think it's like she panics because the feelings are so intense and she can't imagine any escape from them other than not existing anymore. Tbh, that's happened to me a few times, too, although my reactivity is more of the "burn my life to the ground" variety instead of the despairing, suicidal type.

Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that you can be very proud of how far you've come and how much better you are doing, while still wanting better for yourself.