thanks everyone for their posts...
i am healing...i think...
my depression..overall is resolving..but recently i went backwards a few steps...straight back into thinking i was poisonous..which is a pretty good sign that im heading back into depression and becoming very unwell..i started withdrawing thinking everyone was ganging up against me...BUT
i saw this as signs...and i could acutally acknowledge that i was getting more unwell...so i forced myself to take responsibility for my life and went to the dr...instead of wallowing in bed being paranoid and miserable..
as small as that is...pathetic or not..it's a big step for me..
and now i feel medicated up to the brim..but for the first time in my life im not paranoid..i don't think all my friends are talking about me...im feeling less depressed...
unfortunately i went downhill once more...before this...which probably pushed my friendship with that friend over the edge..
and look...i know it's my fault...i know it's my depression crossed with who i am as a person....friendships in my life have failed many times previously...and it's usually because i have dependence issues...im scared of being alone...and i like to be cared for...
friendships have worked wonderfully also...and i have two best friends that i love so much...but they are aware of my issues and we have gone past a level in our friendship where i no longer fear them leaving me...and i trust them...
and thanks for telling me your experiences...because each little bit of info is an insight..
one good point that i have really taken out is not to think that this situation was done to deliberately hurt me..because that is absurd....
i need to think that...obviously this person could no longer handle me as a friend and my depression because of their own issues or just their personality...and i don't mean that in a bad way...
we all have personalities that can cope with things and that can't...
and for the first time in my entire life i am taking small selfish steps in doing things just for me...and it is something i have never done before..and it feels so foreign...i have never been selfish..and i've realized that its not a bad thing to do every now and then..
and don't get me wrong im not going to become a selfish *****..but im going to do stuff to get me better...
but my loving and giving side will never go away either..that is who i am..and i don't want to change my love for my friends...
anyway...i guess this is just a life experience..
i would do anything to repair things..but that is my personality..thats me trying to please...but they are unrepairable..i just hope that life can go on and things can be civil..so as i can get on with my career and so can they...
everyones posts have really helped me...and even just venting here has helped me not selfishly talk and talk about my problems to my friends..
so thanks...i appreciate it...