I am sorry about the abuse. You forgave him and stayed in touch because that is probably your nature/temperament. Never feel bad about being yourself; however, you can have feelings for your dad because he's you dad but still hate what he did. When he abused you, it was evil and horrible. Many, many people have both a good and bad side. I am sorry you experienced his darkest side. You might not want to bring it up immediately (after your dad's death) but maybe you could ask your stepmother why she didn't protect you. Also, it's OK if you don't want a relationship with her because of this. It is so good that you don't hate and have forgiven because that is good for you from my POV but you also don't have to feel any obligation to people who have treated you wrong. Especially if they don't acknowledge what they did. It might be good for you to talk about what happened with a therapist eventually. I think a good strategy is to talk about things like this then once we have processed it to not feel like we have to keep talking about it. Until you have come to terms with this, you might be in a state of confusion that effects your mental health. Hugs.