THIS COULD BE VERY TRIGGERING

Ummm, well, where to start this?? Firstly, I just have to say that a long time ago I posted something about this in the Women's Forum (but with no details of why I have these issues)...I just felt that it was more appropriate here this time...

So anyway, I am nearly 2yrs overdue for my pap smear (they are done every 3yrs here) but I just can't go and get it done. The recall letter I got nearly 2 years ago was what triggered my memories and flashbacks- until then I didn't even know that there was any significance to a random, innocent memory I had until it wouldn't go away and my t and I 'investigated' the memory as much as we could...

Every day I am in fear that I will get a call from the drs office asking why I haven't responded to any of the (?)5 recalls I have received, and every time I go to see my doc I am in a massive state of anxiety for days before the appt until after I have left the office, for fear that she will ask me why I haven't had it done and can she do it now. She did 1x ask me but as I had my daughter with me at the time she realised it wasn't an appropriate time for it.

I have NO idea why it was this recall letter that triggered the memories and flashbacks, or if it was perhaps coincidence that it happened at the same time??

The other thing is that 1/ my doc knows nothing of this 'side' of me- I have never discussed any of these issues with her, and 2/ NO-ONE has known any of this until know- the 'what triggered it all'...Even my t has never asked why the memories and flashbacks came when they did- as they were 'innocent' to begin with it was a few months before I discussed them with her anyway.

But anyway, I guess what I am most wondering is how you other women here cope with/deal with this? I have had suggestions of 'take a support person'; 'take an ipod with relaxing music on it as a distraction' and other stuff but I can't even make the appt, let alone actually get myself there, and with my trust issues there is no-one I would feel comfortable with being there- when I DO have to go I will be happy to have one of the nurses there with me. I believe that even if I did make the appt I would just miss it/not go on the day.

I literally live in fear every day that either I get a call from the drs office to get an appt made or that when I am down there I will be asked to have it done then and there...