I am a firm believer that we can learn from all our interactions and relationships and learn how to protect ourselves, but that's when WE are ready to look back with that lens, not when someone else is dictating to us to do so, and certainly not when dealing with the trauma of what they did to us.

Example: you forget to lock your door and someone steals all your stuff. You are a victim, and it's a violation - you need to process the trauma. At some point though, when you're through the shock, it's good to look back and say "okay, lesson learned too though, going to lock my door." HOWEVER, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SOMEONE STOLE FROM YOU. Leaving a door unlocked does not make it your fault. Theft is still theft. Just like abuse is still abuse. Abuse is not excused because you stayed in the relationship. It does not become your fault somehow because you couldn't leave or get out sooner.

I definitely think there are ways to EMPOWER victims and give them agency by seeing where they can have control over situations, but this has to be done carefully so it's not victim blaming. It can be very healing to empower the victim and give them agency, but again, if you cross over into making them feel blamed or shamed, it just makes it worse. That's why it's often best to let someone get to this point on their own, with encouragement but not direction.

I'm sort of the opposite. I always try to see how I could have changed it, like trying to empower myself, and it's detrimental because there was NOTHING I could do. I was a child. I have to stop thinking I can learn something from my father abusing me, lol. Sometimes we have to accept that abusers just abuse. We can't understand the why.

Hope you are feeling better, Golden_eve. You are not to blame for you abuse.