thanks angelgirl, for taking the time to reply....
unfortunately last night i got drunk and literally threw the depakote out the window. my alter moods like to sabotoge me...
i am not on any AD's .. i stopped taking all that stuff a while ago, cuz i was hoping i would spontaneously get better just like sometimes i spontaneously get manic.

i have self medicated with other peoples prescriptions, and i have dr hopped to get various meds, in an attempt to self-treat this bipolar disorder in secret.
but these episodes are getting worse and worse...
psychosis now accompanies the mania, and the depression gets very suicidal...
i am just trying to wait this out, and i will be seeing a psychologist on thursday...
i flushed most of my various meds (there were a lot and none of them really helped)
so i plan to start this all from scratch on thursday...
hopefully thursday's mood will not disagree.