Alexandra

My mother lived in her own world of torment and terror because everywhere she turned people judged her, until she became suicidal. In the 1960s, doctors told us to ignore her "attention-seeking" behavior. They told her to drink wine to "calm her nerves." She became a suicidal drunk.

Our church kicked all of us out because mom had become a handful. They accused her of following "evil spirits" and said if she placed all her faith in God, he would solve her problems.

She tried, but nothing seemed to work for her - so she blamed ME (my birth) for all her problems. I was treated harshly because she believed I was the cause all the evil in her world. She was finally diagnosed in 1981. The "evil spirits" turned out to be hereditary amyloidosis - a chronic, progressive and terminal illness.

Mom didn't need harsh judgment and warnings about going to hell. She needed compassion and acknowledgement of her pain without all the judgment. She didn't need to be told all her relatives were in hell because they weren't "saved."

I spent my entire life trying to get her to hold onto life, but people of faith kept pushing "heaven" on her. Her world was already hell, so she continued to attempt suicide - it was worth the risk for her. It only made her life (and mine) that much harder.

Is my mother in heaven or hell?

When my best friend was at the end of her life, I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria and started to cry. A co-worker approached and asked if my friend had been saved. When I told her my friend was a "good Catholic," she shook her head and said "I'm sorry, your friend is going to hell." Her comment turned my pain/sadness over losing my friend into rage at my co-workers intrusion. I only wanted a little quiet time to grieve for my best friend's impending death from cancer.

Is my best friend in heaven or hell?

This is why I believe claiming to know the truth about the afterlife can be dangerous when you push it on others. This is why claiming to know how all people should live and behave in order to get into heaven can be dangerous. In my case, and in the case of many others I know, it had the opposite effect.

Do you think my mother and I received the spiritual support we deserved?