At the same time. I feel like I am fighting something that has to do with my own self respect and self esteem. I am looking to him to provide me with a greater sense of self esteem when I have to give it to myself.

I lowered my standards with this person, by far. I was desperate for love when we first met, living a nightmare and wanting love and affection to help save me from drowning in my misery. I got involved with someone against my better judgement. I had JUST gotten out of another abusive relationship, and he was there to catch me and pick up the pieces of my broken soul.

I am not beating myself up anymore, however, so that's not it... I am just throwing out my thoughts to try and get to the bottom of what I need the most right now in order to really heal, forgive and let go.

Perhaps it's the fact that when he said he loved his other ex more (when we broke up), it severely diminished my importance and value to him, along with everything I did out of pure love for him. What he said completely destroyed anything that was precious and special between us, and it demeaned everything I had done for him, which had come from a place of pure love for him.

But this person did not value me OR my love anyways, not in the way that I need at least. He abused me, he was a drug addict & an alcoholic and his addictions prevailed over valuing and taking care of ME.

I am the one who took care of HIM. I played mommy for him. He was a mess when I moved him here to save him from homelessness, so I took care of everything. That's how I ended up in the mommy role. I didn't like it. It was not equal and it was not how I prefer to function in a relationship.

Perhaps I have to find value within myself for what I did for him. I gave of myself to someone who did not deserve my heart or my love. He crapped all over it while we were living together. The five months before I moved him here had been blissful, and I had no idea that he would become abusive or cruel towards me.

I have wanted to hear from him all this time, and for him to tell me that he never meant those cruel words. But he is not going to give this to me, and I have to find the closure myself. I have it written in a letter from me, just two months before we broke up, that he had never loved anyone more... that he had loved me more than anyone else.

Maybe I just have to not put so much stock into WHAT HE SAYS. It's coming from an ABUSER.... and abusive love is NOT love.....

So perhaps while I have been looking to HIM to resolve this for me, by telling me he did truly love me, I have to start thinking differently.

I wish I knew what I need in order to let go. I have to find peace with having given my heart to someone who didn't deserve me. It's not like it's the first time Ive done that.. not by far. But this one really stuck in my craw, it's still eating at me two years later, and I cannot fully let go.....

I have compassion for myself for where I was at when I met him. I have understanding and great compassion. I was not in a good place and very vulnerable. Perhaps that's just it --- I was vulnerable to become prey to an abuser.

You know that abusers deliberately CHOOSE their victims? He picked up on the fact that I was vulnerable, so I was in fact prey for him.

My therapist says he needed and wanted a mommy, and that when I refused to play that role anymore, that he got vicious and angry and lashed out.

How do I find peace with this??? I gave all of my love and heart to someone who trashed it, didn't value it and who didn't value me as a person.

But somehow in the end, he made it seem like I wasn't worthy, and that he was the one rejecting ME. When I rejected him and when in truth, HE wasn't worthy of ME.

Dammit. I am not getting anywhere.... this just sucks.