It probably ties back to my narcissisitc father and wounds somehow from childhood. Trying to "win" the love and to be recognized and valued by a narcissist. That doesn't work. It never can and never will work.

As a child, I had to fight for my father's love and affection... I wanted him to just love me for who I was and am, but he only would criticize and emotionally abuse me, making me feel unworthy and unloved. This is a deep childhood wound that my ex has hit upon. I know it has to do with that because my ex is also a narc, and a malignant narc at that. This is why it's not such a simple matter of logic. It's a deeper wound than meets the eye.

My therapist is NO help. Awesome. She rolls her eyes whenever I bring up my ex... kind of like, this again??? Grrr.