I am now learning about narc abuse.... which is what I suffered with my ex fiance.

I am reading a tremendously helpful guide on narc abuse and healing.

She writes that victims of narc abuse all share the following characteristics.

I've bolded what most resonated for me about myself.

And the truth of the matter is, I have sought approval from others, I DO obtain my self esteem based on my achievements and successes, rather than just on who I am, and I am most, if not all of these things.

She says we attract abusers.... and these are the characteristics of those who attract narc abusers.

I especially have had poor boundaries, periods of low self esteem & self worth, and seek approval from others.

This is painful, yet eye-opening!

You,

• Had already suffered abuse, fear abuse or had a strong aversion to people that are abusive.
  
• Find it difficult to speak up and stand up for yourself and create healthy boundaries.
• Find it hard to say ‘no’ and kept giving even when it feels bad.
  
• Are highly intelligent and can usually work out a solution in most areas of your life.
  
• Tend to make things work even against the odds, because you have a ‘can do’ attitude.
  
• Find it hard to receive from others, and you are the person who usually does the heavy lifting.
  
• Have a high level of integrity, and don’t like people thinking badly of you, and in fact can be highly disturbed if someone thinks you’re a bad person.
  
• Respect security, strive hard for it and don’t want to give it up.
• Work hard to keep security going, and you clean up the messes that other people make that could threaten your security.
  
• Feel that your worth is measured by how capable you are at achieving goals, and you struggle to know that you are lovable and acceptable to others just for being you.
  
• Try to win approval from others by making them like you, or wanting them to admire your capabilities.
• Are very hard on yourself and you will generally criticise yourself for what you haven’t achieved, rather than appreciate and love yourself for who you are right now.
  
• Don’t want to be alone, and you are fearful that you may never meet another person who you feel so connected to, and therefore feel you have to make your relationship work – despite the pain of abuse.
  
• Are very independent and capable, yet felt empty and alone and deeply want a relationship when single.
  
• Have a tendency to want to fix and sort out other people’s problems rather than feel into and sort out your own uncomfortable emotions.
• See yourself as an ‘empath’ and you have a tendency to put other people’s needs before you own – and believe that to be virtuous.
• Tend to take responsibility for people, rather than allowing them to learn through error and take responsibility for themselves.
  
• Feel guilty when taking time out and doing nice things for yourself.
  
• Struggle to see the value in providing yourself with ‘inner healing time’, feeling this isn’t as productive as ‘doing tasks’, and
  
• Feel that you didn’t receive love, connection or approval from your parent(s).

"It’s common for narcissistically abused individuals to be recognised as people suffering from standard relationship loss and pain.

Healing, which involves the transition from pain – to anger – to grief – to acceptance – to the regaining of self, and the healing of the unhealed parts that need resolution, is a much more complicated and convoluted journey when dealing with narcissistically abused individuals, than it is with people with standard relationship problems."