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nonightowl · 01:00 PM

So here comes the rant. This will be long. Thanks to anyone who reads even half of this, but I need to get this out. This thread is a good place to do it.

So on June 23rd, Sunday I called my brother to clarify what he said about good times to call, etc. He said he "gets that." He wanted me to wait till July. I said it might be too late then. Dad was stable at that time. I said July is far but he said not really. He was right.

Monday June 24th my brother calls around 4pm to say he took a turn for the worse. (It was a message, I was outside at the time and just missed the call) He said I might want to come down that day..or the next but he doesn't know if he would still be alive. I know no one could know.

I was in shock for hours, just digesting that. I was in NO shape to drive in rush hour traffic, esp. that far and in that emotional state. It would be dangerous....

And I can't see well at night. I called him back around 7:30 p.m., he said for me to call after 9am the next morning, Tues June 25th. I was wishing I had someone to drive me at the last minute but I had no one.

After a quick errand (I went to Ralphs to get snacks for going down there, as I need food no matter what), I found a message from him saying dad is gone. He had already been taken to be cremated. He went on to say he will mail me info on where he's resting. He added he needs to be secluded to grieve, so he doesn't want any messages or phone calls from anyone. At least he didn't say "I don't want any messages or calls from you."

I will respect that, though it's still painful that even now we're not going to be talking again. Everyone is different. I want to talk about everything, but I won't go to another grief group. I don't have it in me to go through their "intake", filling out forms, meeting with someone, driving down there, etc.

I know this is "moot" now, but if he had just called me back when I left those initial messages before calling the cops, he was still alive and I could have seen him. He asked for me, unlike my mother. And I'm not sure I could even forgive him for not telling me about dad in the first place or ****ing called me back.

Now I feel I have no family, even if I "technically" have a brother.

And now it seems that even people who I think are friends are saying trite or inappropriate things. So at the moment I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want advice, I just wanted someone to listen and have compassion.

Here are some examples:

"You should go down there. Your dad has limited time as pancreatic cancer has a high fatality rate. Do not let your brother make this decision for you."

Yeah, I knew he had limited time. But my brother was the caregiver, and if he said there's a routine I decided to accept that. MY decision. I didn't then nor do I now "let" anyone make decisions for me.

"You didn't give specifics on your family situation so I don't know how I get constructively tell you how to deal with your brother."

How more "specific" can I get other than saying we haven't spoken in years and my family was never close? Is she writing a paper for Psychology today?!!! And stuff like "If I were you, I'd _____" is a thinly disguised way of telling someone what to do. She's NOT me nor has she ever been me or will she be me in the future!

"You sound stronger today." Strong?!!! Grief is not a linear process. It's not like a minor cut that gets better every day.

"You're a strong and capable woman." That makes it sound like this is no big deal.

"Why can't you play this game with us? It might take your mind off of it." This, after I TOLD her I don't feel like playing but I'll watch instead. And I was coming also for just the company rather than sitting in that apartment.

"Do you have any hot chocolate? This is a good day for that." Yes, but I don't drink it in the summer even if it's a cloudy day. This from a friend while my stomach was in knots since at the time, I hadn't heard from my family. (Before I had to call the COPS to find out what's going on down there, as they do "wellness" checks) Why would I care about hot chocolate or have the stomach for it???? What on earth is wrong with people????

And from this same woman: "I wish you could find a job. Do you have low income units there?" I said I wish for a lot of things, and no, it's just a regular building. "I thought you'd be in a low income building. Don't you qualify? Why aren't you in one?"

For crying out loud, was this supposed to "distract" or "cheer me up"? Bring up equally painful things, just in different ways? I didn't bother to explain that I'm in a "regular" building because at that time, my life was good. How was I to know I'd end up like this? Thanks a lot I thought. Bringing up my employment and housing woes while I'm already in enough pain as it is.

I guess from now on, I need to say that I'm not looking for ADVICE but just a listening ear and compassion. For the love of all things holy, if I wanted advice I'd ask for it. People just love to give advice, like if I just follow these steps, everything will be just hunky dorry.

This is both a banging head emoji scenario and a bawling emoji scenario.