Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
A book I read has the following perspective fwiw.
When we have been hurt by someone we feel they owe us. We want to be made whole, and we resent them for not making us whole. We miss what they took from us and we want it back.
To help ourselves forgive, according to this book, we should strive to make ourselves stronger, more whole, more recovered, more healed.
The stronger we are, the more whole we are, the less we resent the other person for not making us whole—for we are making ourselves whole.
The less we resent them, the easier it is to forgive them.
And so, according to this book, your own efforts to heal from narcissistic abuse—what you just said—and anything else you do to find healing, and to make yourself whole, will help you in forgiving the person/people who hurt you.
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I love this, Bill. It fits really well with this philosophy of leadership that I follow that has to do with integrity, and one of the things we talk about when we have to honor our word versus keep it (keep it means I did exactly as I said; honor it means I was unable to do exactly as I said but I'm making up for it and cleaning up whatever mess I made by not keeping it) is the idea of making the other person whole again. A person with integrity honors their word. Very simple example: I said I could get this report to you by noon, but I can't finish it until the end of the day. To honor my word and keep my integrity: I would tell you this as soon as I'm aware and ask what else I can do to make up for not being able to do it by noon. Do I need to speak to anyone or cover anything or do anything additional to make you whole for my late submission of the report?
It's the same in relationships. People will inevitably break promises or hurt us (not speaking of abuse), and most people with integrity don't want to hurt another person, would feel badly for doing so, and want to make them whole again and repair the relationship.
An abuser like Eve's ex bf has no integrity and doesn't care about his word, either keeping it or honoring it. He doesn't care if she is whole and complete. He cares about getting his narcissistic supply from her and he can't anymore, so he said things he KNEW would be hurtful to her and that would cause her this kind of injury. He will never do anything to make her whole, so it's up to her, and likewise to all of us in similar situations, to find ways to make ourselves whole again.
This very astute. Thank you for the post, @
Bill3