I'm in trouble with depression that has me under-functioning to the point where I am neglecting my boyfriend. I'm not getting enough food into him. I'm getting his meds to him late instead of on schedule. He's not complaining. I think he is afraid that I'm on the verge of giving up. He does not want to go to a nursing home.

Days ago I wrote a text message to his VA social worker saying I was coming unglued and would need to get him into a nursing home soon for at least a temporary (respite) stay. During that time I would straighten up this messy apartment and pull myself together. I just found out that the text never went through. I resent it, and it went through. She'll see it on Monday. She can help me find a bed at some facility. We live in a good size city. There's about 10 nursing homes the VA has contracted with.

I'm barely functioning. Just staying in bed most of the day. Get up when he calls me to say he's hungry or needs the bathroom. I'm becoming a disgrace.

Once I get him in somewhere, I'll probably improve. Just going to the facility will help me to wake up. I'll go daily and do part of his care there. But everything won't be on me.

I'm neglecting the responsibility I have toward him. I'm just barely taking care of him. It's like I don't care anymore. This is serious. At least now I 've reached a decision. I know I have to get him admitted to a facility. It can be temporary, with the option to make it permanent, if I feel I can't recover to a normal level of commitment and functioning.

I know this is a dreary story, but I'm really in trouble. I'm losing all respect for myself. I should be making him lunch right now, but I'm in bed just vegetating. In the evening I feel better, but most of the day I'm lazy and useless.

I thought of going to my PCP to say I'm very depressed, but I have no trust in these medical people. I always worry that, if I admit to serious depression, they'll stop my prescription for hydrocodone. Without that I would be in even worse shape.

I've had some bad experiences with doctors over the years, in relation to psychiatric care. They tend to think they have me all figured out when they haven't even gotten to know me. I was in a partial hospitalization program where the pdoc running it said I was an alcoholic and had to be breathylized every morning. My peers took me aside and told me to be more careful about what I would say to staff at this place. Pdocs have come to some really weird conclusions about me that showed little understanding. Another time a pdoc said I had a high propensity for violence. I've struggled with very serious issues. Being drunken and violent didn't happen to be my problems. But these are examples of the bizarre experiences I've had. I feel like there is nowhere for me to go to seek help.

I should try and clean the kitchen or do something. My bf sleeps a lot and talks little, so it is getting very lonely being here with him.