And thank you for your thoughts, everyone!

I think I figured out what I need to do. And it may be a long process of healing for me. But this has opened up an old childhood wound, so I am not only battling healing from narc abuse, I am healing from abuse in childhood and the repercussions that had on me emotionally, even into adulthood. I realized today, after doing more research, how it is, and what it is about me that attracted a narcissist and an abuser. I need to work on many things about myself.... I fear I have a long way to go, beginning with working on my self-love and self-esteem.