Thank you. today was a nice long day in bed (sleeping, resting, watching tv, talking with mom) up until about 5.30pm. then i went to get my meds and at P's date.

i was not excited even a little bit. it felt like when i meet up with my usual (girl) friend on fridays.

we walked and chatted, had a pizza, paid separately and i got us an icecream. we kept talking easily and comfortably all the time about anything: past, present and future.

we both admitted to each other we had few short romantic relationship and they all ended peacefully.

an alarm bell started to ring in my ears when he said he is very romantic. what does it mean???
REALLY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

on my part, maybe i activated the self sabotage system, saying my last relationship ended because he had his feminine part too developed and my masculine part too developed too. that i dont like it when men are dependent on me and wag their tail around me. was i trying to warn him or scare him away????

also i was in doubt whether or not i should have added i dont like kisses, sex or sleeping together but it seemed too much not required info so i kept it for me. did i do well??? should i have warned him about that too??? so that maybe it ends before it even starts???

when we left i felt a great emptiness in a bad way. i felt like drinking a lot and crying. i had the chance to, but i didnt. i was feeling so empty, but not because i was missing him but maybe because i was missing the idealized P i had in my head. i still wanted to ask him whether or not he had ever really been in love with someone (i doubt i ever did) but we got to the greetings before i could say it out loud.

i did get to tell him i love his smile and it makes great good to me when i see it. he said he loves my eyes. im glad we got to talk about anything and it doesnt seem he was ever married, got kids or anything very important to him happened in a romantic relationship.
he seems very intelligent and i like him a lot but for the way i am, i find it difficult to imagine myself in a romantic relationship with him (or anyone). and i dont want to jeopardize my Plan A.

he seems a lot like my previous bf. i hope im worng about that and i think i did well warning hima bit, but im not sure. i texted him once home to thank him for the night together and yeah, he kissed me good night on the cheeks when we left. (last time *I* did it).

i dont know what to think. i should probably just keep seeing it for what it is, two people who enjoy each other company and see each other every now and then outside the workplace… seems the safest and wisest thing to do. what do you think?