From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like "victim mentality" to me, randomer123! Rather, it seems like you almost feel like you don't "deserve" those things you want and so you "make up" the reasons why you can't have it. That may also explain why you feel scared about asking for help. Perhaps you feel ashamed even though there's NOTHING to be ashamed of. Does that sounds true to you or did I get it all wrong? It is PERFECTLY possible and I don't want to assume so please let me know if you can and want to! Journaling seems like a PERFECTLY good idea to me! Keep doing that! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn many new things and many new ways to cope with your feelings! Please DO consider it if you can and want to! I feel like that may REALLY help you! I wish you peace and love! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, randomer123, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!