uroko, I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. Hospitalization can sometimes help, even if it feels scary at first. I've been hospitalized for psych issues 3 times, and each time helped a lot.
I hope you're able to get the help you need.
And as an aside, I see you're from Istanbul. I visited Turkey several years ago for a vacation and loved Istanbul.
splitimage
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.
"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba
