many times I get to not wanting to be there but I don't leave. There's been only one time I did leave. I was mad/rage. It wasn't at or about T. Still I wanted to hurt/attack her. I needed to go. I said I had to go. She scooted back and said ok. It was towards the end of a session. We'd talked quite a bit about my anger and my belief she couldn't handle it and not wanting her to see it because if she reacted in a way that left me feeling like she was scared, it would be worse than me controlling myself. After I calmed down, I returned and asked if we were ok. She reassured me that we were and that she still cared about me.

I don't recall if we talked about it directly very much. I have the feeling that it's been talked about here and there over the years since.

Now, I often tell her when the voices in my head start repeating that I don't want to be here or if there's an urge to leave. It's information for her to know that my stress has escalated.