What do you think are some myths about abusive relationships that are damaging? / On a broader, societal level, what do you think of the perception of the abuser/victim dichotomy?

Myth: Abuse is easily recognizable and always physical, as mentioned by TunedOut and 12AM.

This is one that I think is perpetuated mostly by fictional portrayals, and even by how the news portrays abuse cases. Emotional abuse tends to get overlooked entirely, and the media focus primarily on the overt physical abuse, not on the years of emotional damage leading up to that point. Therefore, people get the impression that they’d be able to recognize abuse and flee before it gets out of hand. It gives us a false sense of security, and it leads some people to wonder why the victim couldn’t recognize what, according to them, should’ve been obvious. I’d even hazard a guess that a lot of victim blaming stems from false perceptions of abusive behavior that we pick up from the media.

On the other hand, if you write a fictional portrayal that’s too realistic, the audience might fall in love with the fictional abuser.

Myth: As a bystander — relationships are personal, and it’s not my place to get involved in someone else’s personal affairs.

Which can lead to something that TishaBuv brought up: “I think people look the other way and don’t do anything to stop abusers who aren’t abusing them.” I’m not even sure if people genuinely believe that myth, or if they’re just using it as an excuse for inaction, to hide the truth that they’re afraid to act.

I’m not really sure how to go about this one, because trying to help could worsen the situation and put you in danger. If one does intervene, I would strongly recommend to handle with care, lest you realize you’re dumping gasoline on the fire instead of water. Or better, talk to someone who knows what they’re doing and see if they’d be willing to help. Other suggestions?

Myth: Abusers are cunning and calculating predators who are skilled in the art of manipulation. Or rather, they’re monsters.

There are no monsters. I mentioned it before in a different thread, and I’d like to elaborate. To be clear, I’m not imploring others to have some compassion for abusers. The victim should prioritize their own safety above all else. Also, I’m just not a compassionate person. But rather, I’m pointing it out because “monster” and “predator” are loaded terms that imply lack of vulnerability. Perpetuating that image can make their victims feel even more powerless. When you perceive your oppressor as an inhuman monster, escaping them seems like an impossible task. The reality is that most abusers are hardly masterminds.

By contrast, “victim” has also become a loaded term — what’s the opposite of “predator”? Despite the best efforts of domestic violence awareness groups to empower victims, the term “victim” tends to imply vulnerability and lack of power. And I think this very black and white portrayal is why so many people in abusive relationships fail to see real abuse, because it doesn’t match their idea of what abuse looks like. Most victims probably don’t see themselves as demure, powerless women (many of them aren’t even women), and they don’t want to be associated with that image. And likewise, most abusers probably don’t see themselves as cunning manipulators, even if some of them do want to be associated with that image. Therefore, they reason that the relationship must not be actual abuse. Right?