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Originally Posted by Meggg
I am a 37 Arab woman married to 29 French man. Our relationship is 2,5 years old, full of very difficult moments. I a what some would call a Muslim, in reality I feel more like a believer taking what makes me feel good from religion and questioning the rest.
My husband is so different from me, some would never believe we managed to be together. Coming from a non open minded family, angry against any kind of religion, and even angry against God.......
We went on, got married, moved together, kept our families away from each other. My parents never asked to meet them, knowing his parents would be scared to see their son being married to a Muslim family, and my husband always kept the mistery about how my family is.......
And the ultrasound of 3 months, the nightmare started, Down syndrome suspected with heart malformation.....
The news was so hard, for the first time of my life, I thought I would not be tough enough to overcome this. I tried to rely on him, but he just did not have the reaction I needed. Didn’t want to take position and what we should do, go on with the pregnancy or not. He tried the escape the discussion about it.........
I am always lying to myself, acting like everything is ok when it’s not. I don’t feel I have the right to be angry against people who hurt me in the most horrible moment of my life. But he left me and ran to his family. He even took advantage of the time I was sleeping at the hospital to go back home and see his father until he missed the delivery.....
All my life, all my mistakes, bad choices, suffering came from these lies. And it’s not easy to look at the truth.
It’s been 2,5 month since I gave birth to my dead daughter. I just stopped bleeding. And now I have to decide wether I want or not to try again.....
and I don’t trust him for being the father I want for my child. He is fleeing from my culture, from my family, from my beliefs. And he is not respecting it more than before. He is not even respecting me more than before. He’s just living. Will he really let me give an education to my Child ? .....
I must make the right choice now. Because I will not handle another grief like this. I must stop lying to myself. I am now wondering, is it ok if I have a child even i know I will be at war with his father and finally leave him ? Or am I just blinded because I want to have the little beautiful daughter I was about to have ?
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I am so sorry about what happened to your daughter.
I am so sorry your husband was not there for you.
You are still grieving so you need to wait from my POV to have a child. I've been married a long time and have two children from the same father. Having cultural differences might work if your husband was accepting of your POV but you have said that he is not open minded, angry about religion, etc. Our values, culture and religious POV is an important part of who we are. Sharing these things with our children in a positive way is an important part of bringing up a child. Unless your husband becomes more understanding of who you are and your heritage, you are either going to fight all of the time (making an unpeaceful home for a future child) or you are not going to feel free to raise you children as your conscience believes (you seem open and spiritual--it is bad for you and your children to bottle this side of you up.) I am sorry that you are going through this but please take the time to grieve. I don't think we think "straight" while we are grieving.
How does your husband feel about losing a child? When you say he ran to his family--was it for support because he is grieving too? Are you talking about it? Are you comfortable telling your husband many of the things you have posted here? Being able to talk about this with him is important. I wonder if marriage counseling would help and if he would be willing....