Hi MickeyCheeky,
Thank you for words.
Actually I do have a job and after all the bad experiences I had in the past, I did my best to keep my independency, like never mixing salaries for example.. The only difficulty would be to sell the house we bought 3 months ago. Anyways, this house is also a matter of dispute. I always told him I refused to buy a house in a small and racist city, this was my condition, so we finally bought this one with a small garden which was only what we could get for our budget near a big town. And with all the bad surprises we had in the house, he’s now reproaching me to be the reason of him living in a house where he doesn’t feel good.

It is not very beautiful to say, but I have to be honest. I know he is totally unrespectful to me, my culture, my origins. The only times I have nothing to reproach it’s like he’s hiding his real point of view. I also know he’s the last person I can rely on. But it looks like I want a child so much now, that I wonder, maybe I should have a child as it might be too late very soon, and leave him as soon as he gets in the way between my child and I. This is very selfish I know. When I was pregnant for the first time with a man that was also looking down on me, I got an abortion telling myself « I could just lie to him, tell him I lost the baby to get rid of him, but I don’t want to separate a child from his father. However, he is toxic, if I keep the baby and tell him he will make my life a nightmare ». Now I wonder should I stop fighting selfishness ? Should I be the bad one for once and use him ?

Or maybe I should tell him I don’t want a child until he changes his ways with me. But this might only make him play the role of the open minded guy harder.

I think I am the kind of women that attracts manipulators. I am pretty sure I will never find someone respectful (or maybe one day much too late for Children).

Now he’s sending me smileys to forget yesterday’s small discussion. So like always, we are now about to close our eyes and do like everything is ok. I have to choose, either I push for discussion and once again we will argue and I will be the origin of every problem we have, or I close my eyes and act like it’s not a big deal and wait for the split. Or I tell him honestly, he’s not a father for my children, and give up the idea of having a child one day.