You're welcome.

I've been thinking about this some more and it does seem to be mostly "unworthiness" (I think is the word). The very first "obsession" was a small item that should have been very easy to buy, just go into a shop, pick up and buy, and also quite cheap too. But every time I went to buy one I'd get really nervous and feel sick and I'd tell myself I didn't want one because.. and I'd make up all these stupid excuses.

I've always wondered what was stopping me from buying these things (obsession objects as I call them). Anything else I can just go into the shop and buy. At the time, in my late teens, I was buying a lot of clothes, jewellery, make up and CDs. I never had any problem buying those things, never even thought twice about it, just went into the shops and bought them. It never made sense.

But now I realise that with obsession objects, I've always felt like i didn't deserve them for some reason. It makes no sense because what's the difference between these things and all of the other things I can easily buy? Other than I am/was obsessed with them. They're just objects in a shop, like everything else. There really is no reason to be nervous. I still don't really understand why I get nervous when I think I don't deserve something though. Or maybe it's just because I ignored the unworthiness and tried to push past it and it pushed back by making me sick?

Well I definitely do feel unworthy. I suppose it started at school when I was bullied all of the time, but that was over 20 years ago, I shouldn't be still carrying that around. So maybe that's where the victim mentality thing comes in. I think it comes into a few other things too. But it's not so much looking for pity, more looking for someone to help me get what I want somehow. Maybe tell me I do deserve it. I don't know. I'll have to think about this more. Would be great to finally get to the bottom of this problem after all these years.