I must also say of course I am not perfect, and I don’t know how I do that or what I do wrong but everytime we decide to discuss it’s like he feels attacked and he fights back. So he refuses to admit anything, blames everything on me, etc
So discussions were never helpful.

Marriage counseling might help because he hears better from others I think, but until when ? From what I know, when you go there, the goal of the therapist is to keep you together, at least it is what I understood from our last therapy together. But this is not really what I want. I want to know if are able to stay together or not, if he’s honest with me, what is he really expecting from me. So that I can choose whether I am ready to go where he is taking me or not.

But I think you’re right TunedOut, I think at least what I have to do know is take time to grieve. I should at least start by taking the pill, and tell him I am not ready to try again for the moment. I really want a child but at the same time I am so afraid of how he would hurt me and disrespect me throughout my child. And also at the same time I want to believe that it’s not a big deal if I leave him when he crosses the line with my parenthood. I am completely lost