Yeah, there are people who use predatory type behavior to control others. Cosby's certainly one. But when it comes to the different types of abusers, I'd argue that the cold, calculating predators like Cosby are in the minority, yet that's the type we hear about most often, and the type that's most commonly portrayed in movies. Hell, even the few primary psychopaths I've met were hardly the suave, cunning manipulators as portrayed by Billy Campbell in Enough or the pornstache guy in that one Julia Roberts movie. Even informational text on recognizing abusers kind of makes it seem like these abusers are a lot more powerful than they actually are, like all of their behavior and manipulations are planned and deliberate "tactics." In my experience with actual abusers, that just doesn't ring true. Some of their behaviors are probably deliberate tactics, such as attempts to isolate the victim. But for the most part, I think a lot of abusers have the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old, and most of their behavior stems from that.

Again, I think the terminology is misleading because of the connotations around the term, not that people never use predatory tactics. It's very one-dimensional, and it conjures up images of remorseless monsters. I doubt most abusers would identify with that sort of image. Consequently, they fail to recognize their own behavior as abusive. They don't feel like remorseless predators, therefore they don't feel like what they're doing is truly abusive.

On the flipside, I've been on the receiving end of what would technically be labelled as abuse (I was slapped and whipped with a stick by an ex-boyfriend), yet I don't feel like a victim, and therefore I wouldn't label him as an abuser. It just doesn't resonate with me. Would it still be deemed abuse if I didn't feel like I had been abused?