Ok, so the therapist gave me a mood chart and I'm supposed to track my moods every day, morning & evening, just two spots for each day. I know this is just a basic thing....but ok, what if my moods change within the hour, or within the minute???!!!

That's why I'm not sure if I'm really bipolar. It doesn't go up and up and up for weeks - I can be extremely depressed one minute, just fine but emotionless the next, and angry at the world two seconds later and ready to strangle someone. My moods change very fast.

I never really get "happy" or 'elated" or "high". Just angry and irritable and tense. And then immediately guilty ashamed and depressed, and blaming myself for everything.

Like this weekend - my husband actually got the weekend off (he usually works), and we went on a little getaway and visited some friends Saturday. It was fun, really. But even at this really awesome wild animal park - it was amazing - but I just couldn't be really "excited" about anything. It was cool, really, but just nothing excites me anymore.

And then we didn't really plan anything for after that - we werent' sure how long our friends would be in town. So I didn't really plan much for Saturday night & Sunday - we just knew we wanted to stay in that area (about 2-3 hours from home) and just "do stuff" together as a family.

Well, Saturday night, we couldn't find anything to do. Drove around aimlessly. Finally wound up at a city park, just let my 2-year-old run around & play.

It was so cute to see my husband with her, he is like a child himself sometiems. He climbed all over the playground with her, took her down the slides, even the fireman's pole. It was adorable. But even then, I couldn't just be HAPPY for one second. Why can't I just be happy????!!! NO, I had to focus on worrying that she'd fall off the play equipment, or fall of the swing (she did, twice), or that she'd run away and get hit by a car...why do i always worry about stuff, why can't I just relax and have fun?

Then just a bunch of other things - looking for a motel, trying to figure out where to go for dinner - I would just get really mad and upset at my husband so quickly, and then the next minute be apologizing for everything and blaming myself for the entire weekend being a bust. Target was closed - well - it was Easter. I had no idea. we were going to exchange some shoes that didn't fit. Well, instead of just moving on...I got all upset that I had ruined the whole weekend and nothing was going to work and blah blah blah.

Then one more thing. While we were driving around, we noticed some RV's - and he started talking about how he wants to buy an RV trailer in a few years, so we can go on family road trips. We were also talking about going on a Disney cruise when our kid(s) are old enough. We are talking about all this stuff in the future, with us still together.

But then....I really don't think we are going to be together that long! We fight a lot. He doesn't love me anymore. I'm not sure I love him anymore. I've cheated in the past....and I'm doing it again. What the hell am I thinking??!! One minute, I'm planning my future with him, with the house on the corner with the picket fence, the 2.5 children and a dog, road trips to Yellowstone and family vacations to disneyland. But then the next day, I'm online trolling the chat rooms to meet guys. Because, even with all that talk about a nice little future together...I don't feel any love from him. So I go out looking for some horny stranger to pretend like I'm loveable.

I know my husband loves me but I just can't see it. I just keep thinking that I'm a horrible person and I've done such horrible things and I'm so fat and ugly that he can't possibly love me. And then I validate that by the fact that he never wants to be with me anymore.

Ugh...what the hell is wrong with me??!! I don't know what to think anymore. I just want to be normal. I just want to be HAPPY for once. Why can't I feel that? I have millions of emotions...but happiness is one that I just can not feel.