cherrya oh damn, that sounds scary I also have this kind of 'movie' in my head, seeing in my imagination how i stab myself or jump from balcony.. but more often it's like this damn external force pushing me to do this and it makes me feel so crazy.. so scared that i may lose control and do something stupid.. yeah it's sad that others have to go through this too. but at the same time it's a lil bit comforting that i'm not alone..
'just because we have those emotions doesn't mean that we have to act on it' that's what i hear quite often on support groups tbh.. but i'm scared that i may act on it not because i want to, but because crazy mind would force me to..

FracturedPieces thanks i'm trying to distract myself with cleaning up etc, but daqmn it's so hard.. got this feelings/thoughts practically 24/7 lately.. i guess being left alone because my parents went on vacation makes it worse.. gotta survive 2 weeks more somehow but it's so hard and scary.. about 2 h ago this feeling came back so strongly i was scared and thought that maybe i should call mental hospital or something.. right now feeling so unreal and having this projections or killing myself with knife in my stupid head.