Hello all,

First time poster here. I am looking for any thoughts and opinions on where I'm at in understanding my own sexuality. I have identified as straight for all of my life. I never really questioned it in anyway until college. Learning about the spectrum of sexuality, and its fluid nature at least I thought caused me to at least in a intellectually question if I was straight/gay/or Bi.

In the aftermath of my first long term relationship of about 3 years. I was stressed and upset being in a situation where I felt i was the care taker. I was with a woman who herself struggle with depression and perhaps some mania. She would lock herself in her apartment for days, superficially threaten suicide over finishing a term paper. I could go on but I wont.... I loved her very much and when I realized things were broken and she was moving back home I was upset at myself and her a bit.

Instead of processing things I remember getting pretty drunk and high and sending out random messages on craigslist to guys. I remember meeting with one older dude who was nice enough we got off but I was really thrilled afterwards. Another time in another stressful period of my life when school wasn't going so well I met up with an older man in his late 40's it was exciting but again mostly shame producing. I ended up even taking some money from him for rent which really bothered me. But i needed it at the time. I also met up with two trans women once which i found really fun and exciting. All of these experiences i let weigh on me. I've entered into many other heterosexual relationships. I've found joy in loving women, I am very attracted to them, and find I am really only focused on them sexually as of lately.

I suppose I still have not shaken that insecurity of sexuality. I have sought out therapy for the past couple years. I was able to process some of these experiences and feel okay about them. I have openly explored the idea of being Bi even trying it on. Although I feel an attraction to trans women these days I have trouble understanding that. I don't know if its a fetish or what I want. I find myself still insecure with my masculinity which i think relates to my issues with self esteem, and negative core beliefs. I do not find myself lusting after men in public, or in private. I have even tried to check out gay porn and it does nothing for me. Although porn that i have enjoyed include trans women, and female gay humiliation porn, where a woman meanly berates you about a secret desire to fellate men. The humiliation stuff has lost its luster as I have felt peace with just dating women.

Sorry I did not keep this short to boil it down I still feel frustrated that I am just insecure in general. I feel shame at the possibility I might not be true to myself,even though i feel certain I don't want men sexually. while I also hold the idea that I am mainly attracted to women. Any thoughts on working to feel fully secure in myself in general and sexually?