People tell me to shake it off. To cheer up. They don't know.

It's like a fire in your room. You can feel the blistering heat against your skin. Only you can't see the flame. If you could see the flame, you could put it out. Problem solved. But you don't know what it is. All you feel is pain.

The days drag by, day and night. It's almost paralyzing sometimes. You don't wanna move you don't wanna talk. You don't wanna go to college or meet your friends. Nothing interests you. Not eating not shopping. If you think sleep is going to solve it think again. You're just existing. Breathing. Falling to sleep is next to impossible and if you do end up sleeping, you wake up feeling the same again.

You look at people laugh and wonder how they do it. How can they be so happy? How does one be happy? What is this feeling called joy? Sometimes you burst into tears. Not the few streaks running down your cheeks but a full crying spell, and what's worse is it can happen in public. Among strangers or your friends or your loved ones. They worry, they ask what's wrong, but you just can't stop.

Sometimes it feels like the walls are closing up on you. Your breathing rate elevates and it feels like something or someone will harm you. It usually happens before bed time which is a huge inconvenience. Especially if you have college or work the next day. The constant sleepless nights drive you insane. So you resort to over the counter sedatives. Only you don't know the exact dosage or proper time to take them. So in the morning you end up feeling dopey, lethargic and overall worse.

You see people study for upcoming tests. You don't know how they do it. How do they focus? How does one focus? How does one remember all this stuff? It's like you've forgotten how to do this. You can't sit in front of your books longer than 10 minutes. When test day comes the questions are just a jumble of words. You remember nothing. Nothing makes sense.

You think of ending the pain sometimes. t would end all the pain. Solve all your problems. But then you think of your mother. What will become of her? You stop yourself, but the thoughts go on in a loop.

You try to act "normal" to be "okay". For yourself. For the people around you. You try so hard it gets exhausting. And when too tired to try they say "you're not trying". They don't know.

Every psychiatric visit is draining. Another prescription of medications. And while the medication does help and you do get better for a week or two, there will be a relapse. It's like an undulating fever. You think you're getting better and then you're at ground 0 again.

I've been going through this for almost a year now. This is the first time I'm sharing my story.