My T caught pre verbal neglect that I never thought much of. I can see it when we talk about wants Vs needs. I need air. I can forage for food, water and shelter so don’t expect them to be provided. The transference part comes when T asks me what I need and I have no answer. He gets better results with what do you want but even those are limited because to want is to give the provider power. I don’t expect anything from T except for him to physically be there because that is what I pay him for. My expectations of what people will do for me and how they will treat me is really low.

This week T got really excited because I was scared that if I got upset I might move up beside him instead of curling up in a corner. I have never gotten really upset in session so he hasn’t seen me move to a corner but he knows it would be natural for me to seek safety and protection in the corner as I was always in my crib... no one ever comforted me. I don’t turn to people for comfort and I don’t expect people to be comforting. So for me to be afraid that if I got upset I would move to him for comfort was HUGE.

Also in session I am not very emotional, I always have a pretty flat affect (Outside of session too). Crying, yelling... anything an infant would do to draw attention to their needs didn’t work in my family so I don’t resort to them as an adult. I don’t show pain or discomfort unless it is really bad.

The one time T could tell I was very upset (normal people would have been crying) he reached out and put his hand on top of mine. I looked at his hand dumbfounded and just curled into it so he waited to see what would happen. Eventually I mouthed “thank you” but I had no voice. I never would have thought to ask for that, I was too busy being obedient and listening to what he was saying (about infant needs).

I can’t even tell him basic needs like I need to use the restroom or the sun is in my eyes.