sorry, but I just had to get my feelings out. It is late for me to be posting and I feel bad.
I have let ppl down including myself over something that you will probably think is stupid but it is so important to me and I couldn't do it.
I was actually going out tonight - a very rare thing to go out in the evening, but there was a soul night on in my area. There is a lot of issues around me going to these soul nights locally, I used to go 20 years ago and I have stuff I cannot understand that makes me anxios about it.
My mum, friends and partner - I have let them all down, they all really wanted me to go. He has gone on his own. I feel so many things. I am so exhausted that after I had washed my hair I knew I couldn't go.
I am angry that I didn't force myself to go and that this stuff I feel all the time stops me from going out and enjoying myself, dancing to the music I love.
I know this is nothing compared to what some of you are going through, but there is a lot more attached to it than I could really explain.
Is there anyone out there who finds their illness lets them down and everyone around them ?
Up til tonight I had started to imagine the depression 'standing beside me' like a blurry person and I was thinking that what I need to do is turn and put my arm round it..... I am now getting a lump in my throat- whats that all about.....
I am slipping down into feeling 'what am I actually good for ?' I don't want that, and my way of trying to not go there includes talking (or typing) it out.
Can anyone relate to the feeling - oh no, she can't come out again.......not AGAIN ?
I am at the mercy of this illness, or is that too passive ?
Thanks for reading, listening, I just hope you don't think its too shallow.........
take care, Poppet