It's three AM and I'm tired, but awake. I lay here, feeling like I fooled myself again, I fooled them again, yet I'm a fool. Talked to both of my psych team today and they both think I'm doing better, but that's because I want to do better. But I'm not.
I twisted my words, their words, others' words, to make it seem better, but I'm nowhere near better.
I'm crumbling inside, my focus is gone. F---! I hate how therapy feels. But I need validation. But there's none to be had.
I miss K. I miss her so gd bad but I know better than disturb her life again. I want L, but I don't want to disturb her life. I want to be ready to feel something Good again, but everything is going to the bottom around me.
Mom is much sicker than we thought. Her time is now very limited. I have no vehicle, because I can't do the repairs needed. R, my son, is very ill and will likely never get better and I'm not in a state to be able to help him. If I make it another month, it will be a miracle. A week more of dealing with all this seems overpowering.
I've heard all the reasons to hold on, but I'm not sure if I can believe them. When I'm alone, I cry, but around others I pretend so they don't worry. I fully understand the saying "my strength is in my weaknesses," for I'm very much a powerfully spent person that hasn't much left. It would take one honest, good moment to change me, but I can't find even one.
If I disappear, you know what happened. I hope that you forgive me and understand the limits of suffering.