You know, Mat, your post makes me sad that someone can't wave a wand and magically cause you and your father to sit down together and honestly talk this stuff out. It sounds as if there might be some real affection there, but it's been obscured by years and years of sad events and lack of communication. I do think if someone really loves you you can feel it, and that the contrary is true as well. I don't know if you've ever tried to discuss any of this stuff with him? Can be tough after so many years of distance, but if both people have an interest, maybe you could make some headway. Proceeding cautiously of course...

From my own experience, I spent my life trying to please my mother, twisting this way and that to maybe become something she might like, only to realize at the end that she really wasn't interested in a relationship. I kept trying, though, and every now and then I'd think maybe I was making progress, only to have my hopes dashed the next time.

It's hard. I've come to believe that a parent's love can make a TREMENDOUS difference in how a child feels about him/herself, and when it's lacking, you're kind of constantly wondering, constantly searching, for something you just can't find. (((((( HUGS ))))))