This is not directly related to psychotherapy, but it does touch on family therapy so I really hope it’s okay that I’m posting here. I’m really triggered right now and normally I’d call my DBT therapist but I don’t want to ask for a coaching call and get rejected since she’s less available for that now.

I’m really struggling with talking to my mom. I just called her a few minutes ago because I got triggered by something she said in a convo we had earlier today. Basically, I’m really hoping to get my best friend’s job as she’s moving and is looking for a replacement. It would be a major step up for me while still finishing my schooling. My mom knows how much I want this job. Basically I told my mom in the convo that my best friend was going to be in the interview along with her colleague. My mom asked if my best friend could coach me on what to say. (My reply was something like of course not! That would be pretty unfair/unethical!) She understood that part and then she asked with kind of a concerned/anxious tone, “Well, how many other applicants are there going to be?!”

I got triggered by the anxiety she had FOR ME because it felt like she didn’t have much faith in me. I also felt like she has contributed to my spiraling in my own anxiety about whether I’m really worth it for the job without the major advantage of my best friend working there.

My mom got super upset by this and now I don’t know if I’m just being oversensitive. This is a constant issue between us, where she feels like she has to walk on eggshells so as to not trigger me and I feel invalidated and oversensitive. I copied and pasted what I texted her. I’d really appreciate support. Maybe I just need to grow thicker skin or something. Would me being triggered irritate/overwhelm most people? Are these texts disrespectful? I’d really

Texts to mom:

I feel like I’m trying very hard to stay emotionally regulated when telling you that I’m triggered and I don’t feel like you see that. I get really hurt that you feel like you can’t say anything without triggering me, because that’s just not true. That is a very extreme statement and it invalidates the work I’m doing on practicing my skills and my communication. It feels like when you come to the family sessions, you have all the awareness of what triggers me (which is totally valid and that is not just my opinion), but then the moment comes around and you either get upset with me for bringing it up to you calmly or you don’t want to talk about. The family sessions and our conversations feel like a rollercoaster because I don’t feel like you are applying what you have learned. I’m trying very hard to communicate and feel supported by you, while also being concerned how it comes across for you. I was really hoping you’d take in what I had to say without getting defensive.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being triggered, as any therapist would say. It matters how I express that to you. I really don’t feel like I express a lot anyway as I know that does overwhelm you but I’d like to have a connection with you and this is how I need to go about doing that. It really hurts my feelings that you get upset whenever I express my frustration or hurt feelings. It feels like you don’t care and that you are more concerned with how pleasant it is to talk to me rather than how I’m actually feeling or how your words impact me.

Last text - If you don’t feel like you can validate my feelings and show genuine concern for my side, I’m setting a boundary that we will not talk about this until we schedule another family session because I cannot handle that on my own without other kinds of support and objectivity.

Again I hope it’s okay that I’m posting this here. I’m just feeling really torn and don’t know what to feel right now. Normally my therapist would validate me since when I get like this, I dismiss my own experience. However, I honestly want to know if I’m being too sensitive and if I should learn to brush things off with my mom - this is such a common thing and my Ts believe it may have contributed to my BPD struggles, especially since a lot of her invalidation was around the feelings I have being someone with a physical disability. She would tell me all the time to just smile and wave at people making fun of me to turn a negative situation into a positive one, so maybe I’m just hyper aware now whenever I don’t feel validated by her - now that I know how refreshing validation actually feels like.