I hate doing any work outside the front door. Ie, sweeping the path, washing a car etc, because I can't bear the feeling of 👀 eyes burning into me.
This isn't a "they're looking at me seeing my greatness thing. It's more" they are laughing at me, seeing all my shadow aspects" type of thing.

So I told T that I really needed to go out the front and sweep the mess up the grass cutters had left.
I told myself to man up and get out there.

T said - that feeling of being watched comes from having been let down to early instead of how we all are eventually in time and gradually.

Your adoptive mothers gaze should have been loving, showed her care for you. It wasn't. Which leads to us becoming aware much to early of our needs which leads to shame. Because they're not being met. They're not being seamlessly attended too.

Which leads to that feeling that others couldn't possibly be anything other than uncaring, judgemental, sinister. Their gaze becomes oppressive Because you've never had that experience when young of being contained, learning to trust the good in others.

I could fill my mind filtering that info . Slotting into place. Putting words and reasoning into the broken slots that reacts without thought or knowledge to that feeling when outside.

It is my truth because it resonated so much when she explained that.

I doubt there will be immediate change. But like so many things that happen in therapy, it will drip slowly into my consciousness