Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays
I don't really think it's your mother's job to validate your feelings and avoid triggering you by not asking a basic question such as the one described.
I'm not saying your mom is a good mother or anything. I have no idea. Just doesn't make sense to me to expect other people to manage one's feelings. It also sounds like you want your mother to validate your experience and feelings, but you aren't willing to offer her the same in return. Maybe communication should be kept to family therapy until you've both done more work there.
|
I totally agree with this.
I think one of the difficulties of being in therapy for many years is habituation to communication patterns with therapists and carrying those expectations outside of therapy. I think the text with your mom sounds just like the type of communication one would have with their therapist - totally appropriate in a one-sided, unattached, analytical sense with someone trying to help us work through feelings. Not so much in adult relationships that are two-way.
I struggled with this myself. I found the unconditional positive regard from my therapist (and focus on just me) intoxicating and projected that expectation on my ‘everyday life’ people. Which left me alienated but more importantly feeling like others were inadequate and insensitive to my feelings.
I think it’s great that you’re asking for feedback and hope you can continue to work through things with your mom. Similarly, not trying to imply your mom is/was a good mom but giving her a little room for imperfect responses will improve your relationship greatly. I also agree that as an adult, we can choose who we want to be around. If someone invalidates my feelings or makes me feel bad about myself, I avoid them. Family member or not.